Theodore Roosevelt

Theodore Roosevelt was a disappointment and a liar. He lied about his father. He lied about his son. But his face was on Mt. Rushmore so there was nothing anyone could say; he had to be president. His first order of business was to paint the White House black. Then he painted it orange. Then he ordered it painted with the markings of a sparrow. He was on the mountain—who would tell him no? Everyone wanted him to do great things, but he only let them down with his ideas about taxidermy and Puerto Rico. It wasn’t until he got his own talk show on late night cable TV that he fulfilled the promise of his forbearers. At first he asked inappropriately self-interested questions of magicians and flamingo dancers who would answer, I don’t know what you could have done differently, Mr. President. But when it came time to remodel the set, get a fresh start, try to hit the ground running when the new season started, Theodore Roosevelt discovered his calling. When he didn’t like any of the couches, he asked for all of them. Same thing with desks and plants and friendly animal experts. He asked for so much that when the show began again the studio held everything in the world. Each night the audience watched as he tried to destroy all of the world’s space heaters or climb atop the hill of sleeping polar bears or replace the oceans George Washington had boiled. The next year they re-titled the show National Parks. The next year the show was cancelled.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

S p r i n g G u n P r e s s 2009

editor@springgunpress.com

 

 

 


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